When no one can get in, no one can hurt you.

Tonight I write with a heavy heart. Watching the news, I can’t help but be overwhelmed by emotion. I know two firefighters in New York. I know several people and have several friends there. I see the devastation and put myself in those shoes. I can’t think to myself, “Oh, I’m sure they’re fine.”  No one knows that. Forty people are dead. No one has power. A city that never sleeps has been silenced. And it’s not just in NYC. We have customers up and down the Jersey Shore. I couldn’t imagine going to work one day and not seeing it there, or anything that resembles what once was. I couldn’t imagine any of this. I don’t remember feeling like this when Katrina happened. Is it because I didn’t know anyone in New Orleans? Is it because I didn’t care? Is it because I didn’t feel anything? Is it because I seem to feel everything more intensely now? Is it because I’m older and I care about people whether I know them or not?

I have another friend who suffered a great loss. I couldn’t help but cry when hearing of the premature birth of their child. Baby girl was a gift from God himself and a total miracle and she was quickly taken back to Heaven to be an angel. She had a short time with her mommy and daddy before leaving this life. There’s a reason for everything. She was so badly wanted and will be loved for all eternity. I can’t write any more about this.

I feel like I’ve become a different person this year. I realized several months ago (it may have started sooner, but I feel like everything clicked this year) that I wasn’t going to get anywhere if I kept at it the way I was going. I was damaging more than I was fixing. I easily drove people away without a care in the world. I was cold, but I thought I was warm. I cared about those close to me but for the most part I desensitized in 2006 when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I shut down. The easiest way to not get hurt and protect yourself is to not let anyone in. I have been hurt so many times in my life I was tired of that feeling. When no one can get in, no one can hurt you. Well people don’t like you either. I was likeable when I wanted to be but I’m sure most people really didn’t like me. I do have one of those personalities that you either like or you don’t.

In June I began to understand more about loving people and the true desire for others to be happy. I also realized one of the best things about being an adult is you can choose who you want to give your time to and who you want to spend your time with. There is someone in my life that will suck the happiness out of the room they walk into with one breath of air. I don’t want to be that person. I also don’t want to spend time with that person. That person is black and gray. They have no joy, as some would say. How do you get through life with no joy? I really don’t understand this. I never will. What makes you happy? What makes me happy? Food. My boys. My family. The color pink. Simple things. It doesn’t have to be something complicated or huge. This person has none of that. It seems as if they go through the motions of life. Why? Why not live a life worth living? This person is incapable of feeling happiness for anyone, for any reason, ever. I can’t do that. I realized I wasn’t a priority in this person’s life and I can’t keep trying to make myself a priority in someone’s life if that’s not what they want. Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up, as difficult as it is, and walk away. Some people get a lot more effort than they’re worth. I’m done. That person has caused a lot of pain to people close to me and I can’t keep hoping they will be someone they’re not. So I’m done. Another toxic person gone.

My next blog will be more upbeat. I promise.

A new look on life…

So much for trying to get on a writing schedule this month =/ I spent a lot of the month in a funk and it wasn’t until I spoke with a very dear friend that I snapped out of it.

As many of my readers know, I try to center my blog about weight loss or food or something like that. I realized that’s a little limiting and I call this my journey to being the person I am meant to be so I’m going to begin throwing in more stuff. More about me and my life, not like what I had for breakfast and my daily activity, but more my thought process on life topics.

Some of you do, but most of you don’t, know my parents got divorced this year. They were together for 31 years. It’s amicable. They don’t hate each other and sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if they did. The whole process is unconventional and it’s been very difficult for me to deal with regardless of love or friendship or anything. The pain of your parents getting divorced is nothing you can prepare for or understand, and it feels like no other heartache you will ever feel in your life. As with most heartache it gets better with time but it’s still weird. You don’t need someone to explain the situation 46 different ways. You understand what happened. You don’t need to hear how “it’s not you, it’s me,” or “it’s better this way.” You know all of this. Your brain consciously understands and accepts what is, but your heart feels incapable.

Then when one parent moves on it feels beyond wrong. You want to go back to how things used to be because it’s comfortable. Comfortable is always easy, no matter how bad it is. Just pretend it’s not happening, don’t think about it, live in denial. Nothing works. Eat cake. Eat bread. Eat chocolate and lots of it. Eat anything and everything. It’s not getting better. Now you feel fat, you’ve gained god knows how much weight and you still feel like crap emotionally. You’re in a rut. You’re depressed. You’re spinning your wheels. You desperately try to figure it out but you can’t see through your cloud to the light.

I called to catch up with a great friend, someone who I consider a mentor, and explained to them VERY briefly what I was feeling and they knew exactly what to say. They always do. This person has always had the ability to connect with me on a really deep spiritual level from the very beginning and when you have that connection with someone, life is easier. (I have this same connection with Bestie. I’m blessed to have that connection with more than one person in my life). You can say things and even if you make no sense at all, that person understands EXACTLY what you’re saying. This friend didn’t let me go into any detail or get too far in before they interrupted me. It will probably be a moment etched in my brain for all eternity. I remember exactly where I was when this person blew away that cloud I had been trying to see through for weeks. I was going to put what they told me, but I opted not to. What’s important to share is I listened and opened my heart and because I was open to it, I felt better. I feel that with time I would have made it through that cloud but with a little bit of help I feel like my life changed. I let go. I didn’t want to carry around that hurt and the resentment and that pain. To that friend, you have taught me so much in such a short time and I am so grateful for you. You will always hold a special place in my heart and my life.

I feel as if I have a gift. I don’t know what it is. Well I do know… it’s my intuition. It’s insane. I tend to know things without being told. If I don’t know now, and the universe thinks I need to know, I will find out. I always do. What does this mean? I feel like I’m here to help others. I’m trying to figure out what my sole purpose in life is besides motherhood. I know there’s something bigger. Maybe motherhood is it but I’m not ready for any bastard, illegitimate children so until the time is right, I know there is something else.

Just because I don’t look fat doesn’t mean anything.

I apologize for not writing in more than a week. I looked back at August and September and the numbers are dramatically different. I guess I had a lot to say in August. September was busy with the wedding so I’m hoping October will allow me to get into a writing pattern so you can all know when to expect a blog. Thanks for reading! On a side note: where on Earth did September go?! I can’t believe it’s October!

I sent this picture to several friends tonight.

I don’t send pictures for people to tell me how good I look. Anyone who knows me, knows flattery doesn’t really do much for me. I can take a compliment, but I am not one to look for them. At. All. I know I look better now than I did and I share my photos so people can sort of see the transformation I have gone through. I don’t put them on Facebook for fear that people will get sick of all of my pictures of myself… so I will float the occasional one out there, on Instagam and on here. I will text specific people to share if I want to.

Tonight I received a response I haven’t received before and I wasn’t expecting, especially from the person who sent it. I’m not upset by it necessarily, but it isn’t sitting well with me. The response was, “Is that all you do these days? lol before and afters” Some of you may take this differently than I did, but with my intuition, I immediately knew the tone that was taken with this message. I also immediately felt defensive. My response was, “Only when I have a good after.” This person continued to tell me that they think I should phase out the before and focus on the after. I asked why and explained that I like to remember where I came from so I don’t get back to that point. This person sees weight loss differently than I do. They don’t think it’s good to keep looking back, where I think it’s great motivation to keep going. This person thinks I’m focusing on my past too much. I don’t see it that way at all. I take a lot of pride in my progress, more now than ever. If it was the difference of one size or 20 pounds, I can see how that may be “silly” to be looking at before and afters but 3-4 sizes down and almost 90 pounds is a HUGE difference and in my opinion it’s worth sharing and looking at.

I don’t know what I’m feeling right now with this person basically challenging me on how I see myself. They weren’t rude about it but it’s the principle of basically telling me how to view or not view myself. I don’t know if I’m offended or pissed off or what. I just know I’m not happy about it. I have known this person for several years and we are nothing more than friends. We talk about the basic day-to-day stuff. A lot about food, work, weekend plans. We don’t spend time together and I haven’t seen them since 2008. This person has been on their journey to weight loss for a while now. I told them I understood what they were saying.

They then sent a message that said “It’s been a long time since I actually liked pictures of myself.” I responded, “I know that feeling. I was dreading pics for Christine’s wedding because I’ve always hated seeing myself in pics or my reflection. I’m still surprised at what I see now.” The conversation was over. Now, after reading it back I can see how when I was 300+ pounds (this person isn’t that large, but overweight) that would have pissed me off. Like, shut up about it already.

It took me back to when I worked at Home Depot and I said something to a very large coworker and I was probably the size I am now. That coworker didn’t know that I was previously much larger than I was at that point. I think they thought I was just making a snarky comment about their weight. I have always felt bad about that and it was probably 8 or 9 years ago, I don’t remember what I said or how they responded, all I remember was where I was standing and the feeling I got from that person. I was trying to relate to my friend tonight, because I REALLY can relate to not being happy with pictures of yourself. This is another event I will probably remember in 9 more years. *insert foot in mouth*

It’s not my intent to make anyone feel bad about their weight. If what I say makes you mad, I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to “rub it in” or point it out. I wonder if this is what it feels like when new parents do nothing but talk about their stupid kids… I don’t talk about my weight loss all the time. Evidently it sneaks into conversations that make people uncomfortable. I can’t think that far ahead in my mind for what I’m about to say and think about who I’m saying it to and not say it, like, “…I’m still surprised at what I see…” My brain doesn’t recognize that as hurtful so if comes out of my mouth (or fingers). Then someone gets hurt or feels uncomfortable. This is why I feel like your friends change with weight loss. I experienced this before. Your best friends will be there no matter what, but I feel like the majority of people don’t know how to handle weight loss, especially if they struggle with their own weight. I know when I was larger I probably would have been insecure with a friend losing weight, constantly wishing I could lose weight too, envying them and if they constantly sent me freaking pictures of themselves I would encourage them and never say anything negative, but I know deep down inside I would feel bad about myself.

I have to remember this going forward.