Recently I have been thinking about how it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. I haven’t really had anything going on to write about, so I haven’t. The point of my blog isn’t to clutter the internet with my senseless thoughts, but to help myself and help others I know, or even don’t know. I also have a lot of stuff that has been going on that I don’t want to publicize. My mom had the idea to write it and make it private, which I should do, but I choose not to. I will write when I’m ready. Now, I have a few topics to discuss and it was pretty unexpected.
I’ve talked about it before, but I’m going to talk about it again, because I feel like it’s a really important part of making yourself a better person. Ridding the toxic people from your life. You can’t be healthy with your body full of chemicals. How can you be emotionally healthy when people are taking advantage of you, say hurtful things to you and you just let it go. Whether it happened in the past or it happened a half hour ago, it’s important to recognize how people actually treat you and how they make you feel about yourself. If you feel like you don’t deserve better than what you have, then you won’t achieve better.
Another topic will be my time frame for my weight loss. I was looking through old pictures and I realized it was only two and a half years ago that I started this journey. It seems like it’s been so much longer than that, but the dates on pictures don’t lie.It is shocking to me that I have lost almost 100 pounds in only two and a half years.I’ve lost friends along the way and made new ones, and some people are still here to witness the transformation.
Lastly some random tidbits about the gym and new exercise.
So when I was 18, I was in a rebellious stage and my parents didn’t know how to handle it. I ended up in counseling for several issues, and have since resolved them… thank God, because that was some time ago… it was time to straighten up. I realized that I had a bunch of friends and I wasn’t the best I could be when I was with them. I made bad decisions and I had the wrong attitude. Once I realized that my friends weren’t really friends and I was able to walk away from them, I ended up stronger and better for it. I made this decision on my own. My parents didn’t tell me, my counselor didn’t tell me and my real friends didn’t tell me. I realized that I had to do this to grow up. As I have gotten older, people have come into and out of my life. Some people several times, some only once. I remember speaking to Carey about it one day and there was an author that had a quote about friendships and how they have to change and evolve as time went on or else it was like listening to the same song for your entire life. Life evolves. It’s good to have new friends and lose the old ones. Sometimes it’s much more painful than you would ever realize. When I was ready, I walked away from the bad people in my life when I was 18. I knew I would find new people. Bestie mentioned to me recently, no matter what we’ve been through, we’re still in each others lives (I didn’t meet her for several more years). We’ve been through a lot, good and bad, and we’ve stuck it out. I told Matt recently that you never know how long you’re going to be friends with someone. I walked away from my longest best friend several years ago because I knew she was lying to me and she betrayed my trust, talking about me behind my back. This was incredibly painful for me to do, but I was wanting her to own something she wasn’t ready to own yet. You can’t make someone be something they aren’t. You don’t have to accept them, but you can’t keep fighting. The only thing I could do was walk away form an 11 year friendship. No one really thinks about walking away from their best friend, but when that friend isn’t being a friend to you, you have to make the decision about what’s best for YOU. When you find yourself asking, “why am I still friends with this person,” that’s a huge thing. My intuition was screaming the truth at me every day and I didn’t want to believe it. I asked that friend to be honest with me and I continued to hear lie after lie and I knew in my gut it was time to make a decision. Like I always say, if you don’t make a decision, a decision will be made for you. I was too hurt to let that person continue to treat me that way, when I know I would NEVER in a million years treat them that way. (I learned this from treating Bestie this way one time and I will never ever do it again, I am blessed she gave me a second chance). It was an absolute deal breaker and I had to let go. That was in August of 2009. I hadn’t been back in Columbus for a year and Bestie was about to deploy the next month. What was I doing walking away from my best friend? I was making myself a better life.
I was a mess. My best friend was going away to war and I walked away from my longest friendship. I couldn’t be friends with someone who was going to lie to me. I don’t remember what I did as far as socializing that year. I probably didn’t do anything. My friend was food… primarily mac n cheese and pasta. When Bestie came home in June 2010 I was a hot mess. Pushing 300 lbs. I realized that her battles hated me. I’m pretty sure everyone hated me. I know I hated myself and I was in a downward spiral. It was in December that I had all of my issues and had my blood transfusion. After that, when the scale was over 300 lbs, I knew I had to change something. My health was being affected by this. You all know how I did it, and here I am, two and a half years later.
Now, when I see my current friends who don’t surround themselves with the best, I see how it affects them mentally and emotionally. I have one friend who knows TONS of people. I have told this person, to me, I’d rather have a few really good, true friends, than a bunch of meaningless people in my life. This person has shared stories of their “friends” with me and I just think about how these “friends” treat my friend and I think about HOW toxic it is. I have seen this person’s attitude change when these “friends” come in and out of their life and it’s terrible to hear the things that the “friends” have said. Hurtful and mean, with the absolute intent to HURT my friend’s feelings. I don’t understand that. If you’re going to be mean and angry, that’s fine, but don’t bring someone else down to your level, so your misery can have some company. Go find yourself some other miserable people and have a pow wow, but don’t go out with the intent to make someone else miserable. That’s just cruel. This friend doesn’t see it this way. I don’t really understand how they see it but I will soon. It shows me that this person is okay with being mistreated and thinks it’s okay for someone else to treat them that way. BEYOND EFFED UP. You can’t be a better person when you constantly have people telling you that you’re not worth it or that you’re bad or mean or projecting themselves on you. That’s just wrong. The thing is, when this friend saw one of my friends treat me this way, they recognized that it was wrong and unacceptable. So how does this happen? Conditioning. This person is conditioned to think they aren’t worth anything. This is incredibly sad but when you surround yourself with toxicity, that is all you’re going to see and feel. How does one fix this? How do you shine the light on that person to have them see what you see? I remember thinking years ago, I wish I could see myself how other people see me. Eventually it happened, and it happens more now that I’m aware of everything. I can see myself in a different light, but I had to do it for myself. I had to want to be better. I had some help from bestie. She showed me the way of being healthier. She could only shine the light on it, I had to want to accept it and change it myself. Which I did. I’m sure it took a long time and it was difficult to watch me in the meantime, but I figured it all out. Now it’s my turn to pay it forward.
I just can’t say it enough, when you have toxic people in your life, they WILL hold you back from being better. The people around you have to want the best for you and help you achieve your goals by supporting you. I must figure this out, it’s just painful to watch someone you care an incredible amount about be mistreated and not even see it.
Lastly, I went to the stupid gym recently to help Matt get motivated. I don’t think it really worked, but I tried. I told him I didn’t want to go, but I would. I had cancelled my membership and I still had time until I was cut off. So I went and got on the elliptical. It was the first time in the gym since late April. Some how I knocked out a mile in like 10:39 or something ridiculous. I tell him how much I hate the gym and he says “find something new to do.” I still hate it. It’s good for winter, but I recently started “golfing” or actually hitting a ball around… It’s much more enjoyable that being suck on a hamster wheel in a concrete room. I will more than likely re-join the gym when the weather turns foul and I will want to do something to stay kind of active. My weight is back down to where I want it, almost -100 (again). It seems like I get so close then I blow it and gain like 7 pounds screwing everything up. I think my body just wants to be at this weight and likes it. I want to lose 14 more pounds to be at my first goal weight. 154 is my ultimate goal weight, but I’m in no hurry to get there, and if I never do…. that’s okay with me. I’m happy where I am and as soon as I hit 199, I’m sure I’ll stop caring, like I used to feel and it will continue to come off without me realizing. When I’m paying attention to it and obsessing over it is when I stop losing and start worrying.
Feel free to ask me questions or submit topics for writing!
Catch you on the flipside!