Today I’ve had a lot on my mind and I have been thinking about all the bad food I REALLY want to eat. Pizza, cake, pasta. I’ve also been forcing myself to eat what I’m supposed to eat. I was having a really difficult time thinking of what I wanted to write about. All of my other posts have come easily and I didn’t really have to think about it. Tonight I wasn’t feeling that way. I texted the bestie and asked her what I should write about. She reminded me of this experience and it’s funny, because recently I have mentioned it several times, most recently, this afternoon.
I asked my friend today if he likes roller coasters and he said he loves them. I told him I hadn’t been to a park in years and I really want to go back this season. I have a free ticket to use and I feel like it wouldn’t be a problem. Now you’re asking, how would it be a problem to use a free pass to an amusement park? I’ll tell you…
I think it was in 2007, the bestie, a mutual friend and I thought it would be fun to make a day trip up to Cedar Point. None of us had been in years and thought it would be a fun thing to do. I remember looking up games to play in the car since it’s a 2 hour drive but once you get 10 miles from the park it takes 2 more hours with all of the traffic. I remember it was a nice day and we were enjoying each others company. We got to the park early and hit the rides. I remember riding the newest ride and loving it, of course. I remember the guy I sat next to put my hat and glasses in the bin where you keep all of your belongings during the ride. I don’t know why I remember that, but I do. I remember riding the corkscrew a few times but that’s about it. There is only one other thing I remember about that day.
We had been on a few rides and we decided to go on Millennium Force. At one point this was the tallest roller coaster in the world or country or something. I had ridden it a jillion times. My brother and I waited in line for like 4 hours the first year it opened. I rode it in 2003 when the senior class took their trip to Cedar Point. We were pumped because it is just one of those classics.
As we approach the entrance to the ride, I was asked by one of the two teenage gate guards holding the swirly stick to take a seat in the example seat to make sure the seat belt would buckle. My friends stood by and watched this all happen. As I plopped down in the seat it felt a bit snug, but I fit. When I grabbed the seat belt to click it in the side of the seat, it didn’t reach. I sucked in my gut and tried again. I scooted back in the seat and tried again. I took a deep breath, sucked in my gut, and pulled the belt as hard as I could and it didn’t reach; And it wasn’t even close to buckling. I remember thinking, “this isn’t happening.”
People were watching, my friends were there, and that stupid gate guard who could care less he was about to ruin my day. I said to the stick holding brat that I had been on this ride a few years ago and I didn’t have a problem. He said they made the seat belts shorter. I told him that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard and it didn’t make any sense. I pushed myself out of the seat and I looked up at my friends. Their faces said it all. They were crushed, not that they couldn’t go on the ride, but because they just watched one of their best friends as she was publicly humiliated. I told them to go ride it and I would wait for them. I no more than got the words out and they were both like, “no way! We’re not riding anything without you.” I remember that feeling like it was yesterday. I felt totally crushed. I felt fat. I felt embarrassed. I felt humiliated. I felt like I wanted to leave and never go back. I don’t remember anything after that.
That was the summer bestie and I got a different bottle of vodka every few weeks and tested what mixed best. “What can you mix with watermelon vodka? What goes with vanilla vodka?” The answers are7Up and root beer or Coke. That was also the summer I was introduced to Velveeta Shells and Cheese (mmmm) and Catch Phrase (Christoper Columbus!). I’m sure after that day we had >insert sarcasm< a drink. At that point in my life I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let it bring me down, I was too strong for that. On the inside I felt terrible about myself. I didn’t like who I was. I didn’t think I was attractive. I had no intention on changing it though. I was comfortable and lazy.
I look back and see that behavior and I don’t think I was irresponsible; I had a job, lived on my own, had a car. I just now thought to myself, “how did I get to that point?” How did I not care? That was about a year after the bad relationship ended. I had been in a downward spiral from him. I didn’t feel good about myself. No one told me I was beautiful. I looked to others to fulfill that aspect of what I wanted and I didn’t get it and I wasn’t mature enough to do it myself, so I lost control.
I was out of control for years. I feel (now) like I had to experience those things to be the person I am today. It makes me more grateful to be where I am now and it makes me grateful that I still have the same bestie cheering me on. It all made me stronger. I think about this often, how I never want to be that big again. I never want to feel that again and I would HATE to see anyone go though that. I think about it from a stranger’s point of view. If I saw someone go through that then, I would have thought, “what a fatass,” without considering my own size. If I saw someone go through that now, I would probably want to walk up to them and tell them it’s going to be okay and that’s the worst thing that will ever happen to you publicly and if this is as bad as it gets, it has to get better. I would feel terrible for someone else.
I can’t wait to go sit on that roller coaster without some jerky kid with a stick telling me to sit in the seat. I also can’t wait to go and wear short pants and be comfortable. Not schlepping around in jeans in the sweltering heat. I want to walk the park and not feel totally drained because I’m hauling 100 more pounds than I should be.
I will do this. I have a free pass I have to use this year. It will be done and I will enjoy it.
Blaire's Journey 