Unexpected Struggles

This past week I have noticed that I have been having some serious issues with controlling my cravings for bad foods. I spent a good ten minutes of a lunch hour one day standing in front of the pizza rolls and bagel pizzas debating and trying so hard to talk myself out of buying them. I wasn’t having a bad day or anything, but it was not easy for me. Why is it so difficult on some days? Totally unmotivated, wanting to do nothing, not go to the gym, eat poorly… all while acknowledging it. Having to find the inner strength to talk yourself out of it even though you REALLY don’t want to.

It goes back to my “anonymous addiction” blog and being addicted to the chemicals in the food. I didn’t really think this applied to me until Matt and I were on our way to Cleveland a couple weeks ago. I was what I call “hangry.” What is hangry? Hangry is when your blood sugar drops below a reasonable point and you become unruly, mean, irritable, anything bad you can think of… until you eat something. The worse the food, the happier you’ll be after you eat it. I was being really difficult with him in the car. I knew this. I don’t like being like that. I need to carry something with me so I don’t get like that… I tried nuts, Mom, they don’t even come close to cutting it. I think I need to find a protein bar or something… Anyway, at the gas station he asked me if I wanted anything and I told him either chocolate or something with a ton of calories. I had no idea what he was going to bring me. He came back to the car with Vitamin Water and beef jerky and a Reece’s Egg. Not one of the little ones, two to three bites. No, I mean this thing was the size of an ostrich egg. I’m not kidding. I took one bite and IMMEDIATELY my entire mood changed. I was good for the whole weekend. In that exact moment I saw that as a problem. I realized my body is trying to detox (I drink 100% juice smoothies every day and eat fairly well) so that fix of the candy was immediately satisfying. How do you detox without killing anyone in the meantime? Thank God he can handle me when I get like that. I have a hard enough time with myself, I don’t need someone else snapping at me. I have to find a way to keep everything even and not allow myself to crash like that. It happened today also. It happens more than it should.

The big thing that happened in the past week was I cleaned out my closet. I have clothes anywhere from size 14 to size 22. This is a huge range of clothes. I looked at some dress shirts and I thought they were 20s… they were a 22 and I remember them being TIGHT on me. I put one on. I love the shirts and I would love to wear them, but they’re 3 sizes too big and they really make me feel gross when I wear them. It’s amazing how the right sized clothes can really change your attitude and self image (shout out to Coop).

Side Note: I have a good friend that I have known for probably going on 8 years and he has lost close to ONE HUNDRED pounds. He’s catching up to me very quickly. He attributes his weight loss to me, telling me I inspired him to do it. He has really helped me see the snowball effect I have had on other people in my life. I am grateful for his friendship. He’s at the point where his clothes don’t fit properly. It’s difficult to go out and drop $100 on new clothes, especially when you continue to shrink. I have said no to clothes several times, not wanting to spend significant money on anything because I know I’m going to continue to lose weight and I know next year at this time my clothes won’t fit again. Last year is when I made my transition. I’m blessed to have angels in my life who helped fund my wardrobe change. I went to Old Navy and got plain shirts on sale. This past winter I went to Walmart and got plain long sleeved shirts. Nothing expensive or elaborate.

When I got the new clothes I never got rid of the clothes that were too big. I don’t know why, but there’s a reason for everything. My plan was to sell them to a consignment shop and go and buy the dress from Nordstrom I earned with my hundred pounds lost. I knew I wouldn’t get much, but it would be something. I don’t really remember what happened, but I saw a friend recently who has lost about 65 pounds since last time I saw her. She looks great. I went home and I looked in my closet. I knew I had several shirts that were too big for me but that would be perfect for her! I asked her if she wanted them and she said definitely, that nothing she had fit anymore. That was it. Life got busy and I didn’t forget about it but I didn’t do anything. She sent me a message on Saturday asking if I was serious about the offer. I told her absolutely and I got up at that moment and started cleaning out my closet.

I was pulling shirts off the shelf. I came across a pair of gray dress pants recently. They were a size 20. I put them on for Matt and they were insane. They used to be tight on me. When I cleared off the shelf I found my black pants with white squares (like pinstripes). First thing I did was I looked at the tag. 22. I don’t know what it is but it makes me so emotional to think about it. I have no idea what it is. I put them on and I thought the size 20s were huge. I couldn’t imagine at one point I couldn’t fit in them and I had to go buy a new pair. With them on and now thinking about it, it just hits me so hard. I look down and pull the waistband away from my body and I can see all the way down my legs. It really helps me see how big I really was. Jeans are cut differently and although there is a lot of space in the jeans, there’s something about the dress pants that are just stunning to me. I cry as I write this. Why am I crying? I just can’t believe I let myself get that out of control. I just can’t believe it. It’s really overwhelming.

So I took the pants off and put them back on the shelf. I need a reminder when I weigh 154 pounds of what 309 pounds looks like in clothing. I started taking shirts off hangers. Green, purple, flowy, square neck, v-neck, pink, casual, dressy… you name it, I had it. I texted my friend that I had more than I thought I did and I was so excited to give them to her. I worked my way down the closet rack. I didn’t have to look at the sizes. I knew what was what. I started laying it all out, layering them over each other, in a fanned out fashion. I came across shirts that were on the shelf, that I hadn’t seen in at least a year. Two favorites in particular hit me pretty hard. I just loved the way they looked when I wore them. I felt like I was saying goodbye to an old friend. I thought about keeping them for a brief second and I thought, “I will never wear them again. I won’t wear them now, they’re way too big and I’ll never be that size again. They’re going to a good home.” I took a picture of all of it. Easily 25 tops, at least. All in great condition. I then sorted them by style and started putting them in bags, folding each section.

As I put the last shirt on top of the second bag, I felt very strange. I knew something was happening but I couldn’t figure it out. I saw how empty my closet looked. I sat down on my bed and the tears just started flowing. I was sobbing. They’re coming again as I write this. It’s uncontrollable. I felt so confused about why I was crying. Not being a “cry baby,” when I do cry, I have to have a reason. I couldn’t tell if I was crying from the joy of being able to help a friend in need or if it was something else. It warms my heart that I can help my friend who did so much for me when I was younger and is a wonderful woman. I also felt overwhelming relief. I felt as if a chapter was closing. I don’t have to look at those clothes anymore. I don’t have that huge reminder of what I once was. I feel like that part of my life is closing and I’m moving on. I’m not going back and I never will. I was so unhappy in those clothes. I wasn’t who I was supposed to be. I was the toxic person.

So now what? I didn’t feel any more motivated after cleaning out my closet. Bestie sent me a text today telling me that Matt and I should run the Capital City 5k. It hit me immediately. I thought about it for a little bit and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it. I texted Matt that I think we should do it. So we’re going to do it. I called Bestie after work and as soon as I started talking about it I got emotional. I told her that I was hoping something would motivate, somehow, and that her message did it. She told me that she’s been trying to think of a way to get me motivated and that she remembered when I went to the half marathon with her, that’s where the original inspiration to get healthy came from. I am so blessed to have a best friend that just understand me and the way I work and the way I think and the way I feel. I thanked her for helping motivate me to get on track and that starting Monday, I will be back in the gym. I have a month to be able to run 3.1 miles and not die. I’ll do it. I still haven’t lost my 100… I’ll get there. Better late than never. It happens and it’s not worth being totally depressed about. Time to move on and continue to change my life.

The Last 10 Pounds Before 100…

I feel like I’ve been stuck at 90 pounds lost for weeks. In all reality, I think it’s only been a week or so. I have ten pounds left and it seems so close, yet so incredibly far away. I’ve lost 16.5 pounds since the beginning of the year.

Right now how am I feeling? In this moment, I feel pretty good. A bit tired. SKINNY! Excited. Determined. Anxious. Restless. Impatient. I thought today, while I saw my coworker staring at the toaster, waiting for the toast to pop up, “a watched pot never boils.” I get on the scale probably twice a day when I’m at home, in morning when I wake up, and when I get home from work. I have a scale at work and You Know Who (YKW, formerly known as The Handsome One, THO) has one, but I will only use mine now. When I don’t weight myself for a few days I feel anxious… “When I get on, will it be way up? What have I been eating? Will it be down? Am I drinking enough water?” I feel obsessive about it. I want to lose these last ten pounds so bad it’s all I think about sometimes. As I write this, I think, “Is it damaging? You knew when you bought the scale you would do this. You knew this is how you would feel.” I know it will stop, or at least tone down once I hit that magical number. How do I do it faster? Easy, stop eating…. Start fasting… terrible idea. Psh, who are we kidding? I love food way too much to stop eating. Last month I did an involuntary 24 hour fast. It wasn’t that difficult. I was sick and sleeping a lot, which helped. I drank a lot of water, as I know this is a really important part of a fast. I lost a pound in a day, five in a week. Last year when all I was eating was rabbit food, I was losing a pound a day. This year it seems so much more difficult. I think it’s because I’m so close I can taste it. I don’t doubt I’ll hit my hundred pounds before my goal date, but I want it to be gone now.

I continue to tell YKW that I lost the majority of my weight by my diet. I also told him that I don’t know how much the gym is helping because I started the gym at the same time I started eating better so I can’t tell if it’s doing anything or not. I know my pants are getting bigger and I put on a size 14 dress the other day (that I fell in love with, more about this later). I had to stop wearing my favorite ring because it doesn’t fit any more. I can tell I’m losing weight, but I don’t know what the bigger factor is… because let’s be honest, I really don’t enjoy the gym. It’s made me more sick in the past two months than I have been in YEARS (even though I wash my hands before and after workouts), and I don’t like working out… it takes too much time and it’s boring. I know. You’re thinking, “You just haven’t found what you enjoy. Try something else.”

I plateaued on the bike. My heart rate wouldn’t get above 140. YKW said increase the resistance… okay, good point. Went from a level 6 to a level 8, same speed, heart rate went to 147. No way. What a joke. At that moment I knew I had to get off the bike. It was too easy. It was never meant to be long term in the first place but I knew I was getting comfortable and I knew I was going to have to start pushing myself harder. YKW experienced the same thing with the elliptical. He knew he plateaued. We switched machines. He’s an outside runner, so nothing will compare to that. I’m lazy. Nothing compares to sitting your ass on the couch. I moved to the elliptical, he moved to some machine like an elliptical but it’s not…

My first day on the elliptical the goal was to do 5 miles in an hour. This is about a 12:30 mile. I got through the first 3 miles without any real issues. Mile 3-4 I just wanted to be done. Mile 4 I was totally ready to quit. I wanted to stop so badly. I was tired, my toes were numb (my shoes aren’t too tight, they go numb no matter what exercise I’m doing… suggestions?), I was bored. I thought in that moment, “You’ll never make progress if you just give up. You have to keep going, you can hit your goal.” Thank God I’m a strong person, but I really didn’t want to do that. No, I didn’t feel a sense of accomplishment when I was done. I didn’t feel pride. I wanted to leave. I’m glad I did it just so I didn’t feel like a failure. I felt like I was going to die. I know I’m supposed to breathe through my nose when running/ jogging, but I never feel like I’m getting enough air. Maybe I’m doing it wrong? Even when consciously thinking about it, I feel like I need more air, faster, so yes, I’m a mouth breather, not all the time though (suggestions?)… Anyway, the point is, it sucked, but I did it. I went back to the gym Monday, after a weekend of not watching what I ate and drinking… and after 45 minutes I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t have a goal set, I was just going to go as long as I could… let me tell you, wine and pizza rolls one day and incredible french toast the next, make for an awful Monday workout… never. again. Well maybe…

So now the question is, what do I do? I REALLY don’t like the elliptical. Why? Boring. Treadmill, same thing. I’ve been told I should start weight training because it burns more calories to build muscle than cardio does. I don’t have the fear of “bulking up” that most women do. A classmate from high school suggested a dance class. My coworker is really active in different classes, Zumba, hot yoga, Pure Barre, and she always invites me to go with her… I’ve heard about all of these and more. But I don’t have a money tree in my backyard… I don’t even have a backyard. YKW is tinkering with the idea of getting back into martial arts. He enjoyed it in the past, he liked the results he got from it, and he likes the workout. He’s been athletic his whole life, so for him he knows what he likes and he knows what works. For me, a couch potato for my whole life, here I come, at 27 years old, trying to figure out what it is that I will like/ want to do and I’m finding it to be somewhat overwhelming. I have to be willing to try, at the absolute least. Why is it so difficult to push yourself but the smallest amount of encouragement/ guidance from someone else, be it a friend or an instructor, it’s easier to accomplish what you want. I’m not a weak person; you don’t even have to get in my face Jillian Michaels/ drill instructor style to get me to do what you want. I am totally capable, but why is it so difficult to find the strength for me to push myself past my comfort level without an outside influence? I remember years ago being in the gym with Bestie and doing butterfly kicks. I was complaining all the way up to the moment and I knocked it out when it came down to it… it sucked, but I did it. Could I do it alone? If someone put together some sort of workout, would I do it? P90X or Insanity? See, overwhelming… at least that’s how I feel writing this…

We’ll leave it on a good note. We’re going to a wedding next month. I have been on the hunt the last few days for a dress to wear. I know… I, Blaire, am going to wear a short dress (knee length), in public, willingly. I was looking online, and I told a friend, “I am so used to shopping at Old Navy and Lane Bryant. Now that I’m the size I am, I can shop almost anywhere and I have no idea where to go! Help!” She works for Nordstrom and told me to come in and take a look at what they have. I looked online first. I found three dresses I really liked. They only had my number three pick. I tried it on. Awful. She pulled more options for me. The very first dress I tried on was “the one” and I fell in love with it. It was WAY out of my budget range and a size smaller than what I am. Before trying it on, she asked if I still wanted to put it on, knowing how much it cost. I said yes, knowing I was strong enough to say no to the cost. I tried on more. Nothing compared to that one. I tried on probably 6 dresses.  I left with something totally different, more me. I also left thinking about that first dress. I woke up the next day thinking about it. I can’t get it out of my mind. I have never been like that with anything materialistic. I realized yesterday I would have to purchase it next month. It has been added to the “Things to Buy Myself for Losing 100 Pounds” list. I will post pictures of me in the dress, when I get it.

My Choices, My Business, Not Yours

Have you ever had people in your life that you can only have certain conversations with? I have a few of those people in my life… some are not in my life anymore because of this. I find it difficult to have relationships with people who I feel like I can’t be myself around; I have to censor what I say or the topics I talk about. I have one friend I CHOOSE not to talk about The Handsome One (T.H.O.) to because I know they are disapproving of interracial relationships. I can’t talk to some people about the gym or a way of eating. I can only talk to certain people about my intuition. I have to remember what I can say to which people. It’s easier to not have to worry about this but it’s not worth being friendless so I don’t really think about it too much. Recently I had an experience with a friend and it triggered all of this.

I had mentioned that I was going to the gym and my timing on the bike was improving. I’m really proud of myself and I felt like I could talk about it with this person. This person’s reaction was nothing I was expecting. If you know me, you know I’m not someone who fishes for compliments. I was expecting an “oh that’s good,” reaction. Something simple and vague that at least acknowledges I was speaking about something. Instead, this person said, “So you’re trying to get back in shape?” I was a bit thrown off by this because I have never been in shape… unless round is a shape. I asked what they meant because I have never been in shape to get back to it. They mentioned that I was more in shape before the wedding and after that I stopped caring. I knew in this moment I could no longer talk to this person about my weight or diet or anything to do with my health. I don’t think they meant it to be rude by any means but it didn’t feel good. Why? I told them I wrote a blog about that issue after the wedding and this person is also totally not interested in my blog so it was a wave of the hand to that comment. I felt totally disregarded. I didn’t even know what to say. It’s not like I’ve gained 25 pounds since September.

It wasn’t until the next morning I was able to put the pieces together… kind of. I was texting T.H.O. about it. I realized I felt defensive and ashamed. Why? This person’s statement wasn’t untrue. I wrote in a blog that it was a struggle for me after I met the goal of the dress for the wedding. Why did it bother me so much for someone to say it? Maybe because it wasn’t a welcomed comment? I felt defensive because I was put on blast as if I didn’t already know it. I felt shame because… I still don’t know… maybe it’s embarrassment? I don’t know. It really bothers me though because I don’t need someone telling me that I stopped caring about what I ate. I ALREADY KNOW THAT. No one wants to be told, “You lost control of your diet. You turned into a fatass. Time to get back on track.” When you’ve had problems with your weight for your whole life, any comment about anything related to weight loss can trigger this feeling if it isn’t initiated by the overweight person or with a person they’re comfortable with. I felt like I had to defend myself, I had to explain myself. TO WHO!!?? No freaking way. I don’t have to explain my choices to ANYONE so I stopped talking about it. It’s no one’s business what I choose to eat and when. If I want to stop eating effing salad two times a day, that’s my choice. If I wanted to stop eating well so I could enjoy the holidays, MY CHOICE. If I want to eat a tub of ice cream at midnight and then go right to bed, that’s MY CHOICE. Don’t you DARE judge me for that. That’s what this person did. I felt judged for a choice I made in my life. If I have a handful of almonds and then two tiny snickers don’t look at me with judgment in your eyes thinking, “I don’t know how you plan to lose weight eating like that.” Mind your own business.

Now onto what I’m super pumped about, the gym. WHAT?! Yeah, I. Just. Said. That. I started on the treadmill a few weeks ago and I felt like it was total torture. One day I was feeling super lazy so I thought I’ll get on a bike. I could text, watch youtube, check Facebook, watch tv… so much easier. I was in heaven. This is how my progress has gone:

• December 19: 7 miles in 56 minutes (8:01 mile). I didn’t feel well I really was pushing myself.
• December 23: 9 miles in 57 minutes (6:20 mile). I set a goal to ride 8 miles in 45 minutes or 10 in an hour. I hit 9 miles and called it for the night since I knew I wouldn’t hit 10 miles.
• December 27: 10.01 miles in 60 minutes (6:00 mile) I was determined to do 10 miles in an hour. I hit 10 miles with 6 seconds left.
• January 3: 11.22 miles in 1:00:20 (5:23 mile) I’m pumped my minute times are falling drastically and I keep adding mileage
• January 5: 5.31 miles in 28:24 (5:21 mile) I started on the elliptical and did a 13:25 minute mile. I wanted to go home.
• January 7: 13.51 miles in 1:02:00 (4:35 mile) WHAT?! I was texting T.H.O. updates on my miles as I knocked them out. I was sooo excited!
• January 9: 14 miles in 1:03:00 (4:30 mile) satisfactory performance.

This is literally all of my gym activity since I started going. You can see in 7 visits, I cut my time almost in half. I don’t know what my plan is. I want to start running and I know it will be like starting over but I see these results and I think if I could do this in 7 visits, how hard can it be to run on a treadmill? My breathing was the issue when I would run. Bestie taught me some key elements and I had to really think about it to make sure I was doing it right. On the bike I still have to think about it but the exercise doesn’t feel like torture so I’m more likely to stick it out. The other thing I changed was my music. It’s amazing how it’s so much easier with the right music. So a few more times on the bike I feel like I’ll be ready to move on… trade up. We’ll see how ambitious I feel next week. Anyone have any advice? Suggestions? Support? I know I have several athletic readers… triathletes, marathoners… I feel like I was born to run… and by jingo, I’m going to run.

Start making conscious decisions

Why do we sabotage our diets? Why do we eat things we know will make us sick? We know when we’re eating it that we will feel guilty when we’re done. Or we know that it will make us physically ill. Why do we do it?

It goes back to my Anonymous Addiction blog a bit… It triggers the pleasure center of the brain. It makes you feel good in that moment. There is a consequence later. I’m sure heroin addicts don’t like that they’re addicted, that they can’t get out of bed without a fix. The immediate feeling is euphoric but there is a crash later. They know that. You know that you’re lactose intolerant but you drink a milkshake anyway. You know any little bit of salt gives you a splitting headache, but you eat a large fry anyway. Why?!

You have to be strong enough to say no, to acknowledge what the consequence is BEFORE you make your decision. I don’t know if it takes a lot of discipline or not, probably… my mind works differently than other peoples. It’s not as difficult for me to say no to food as it is for other people. I like food, don’t get me wrong. The temptation to eat poorly does come upon me and in that moment I have to make a conscious decision: am I going to pay a consequence later (physical/emotional)? Any time I eat poorly it is ALWAYS a conscious decision for me. I don’t black out, eat a pack of Oreos and then when I come to think, “I just consumed 2,000 calories in cookies…” or not think that at all and live in a state of denial. “I don’t know how I ate the pack of Oreos. I couldn’t stop eating them.” Bullsh!t. Be aware when you eat and be aware of WHAT you eat!

THREE Oreos has 140 calories… plus the glass (8 oz.) of milk (2%) has 130ish calories. No one eats THREE Oreos. You eat a ROW of Oreos… so let’s do some math… if there are 20 Oreos in a row… each Oreo is 47 calories… that’s 940 calories, plus the milk, that’s 1,070 calories! Women should consume 1,600-1,800 calories a day and men around 2,000… You just gobbled up 2/3 of your calories by blacking out and letting the food take over. Here’s another one… macaroni and cheese. A prepared serving is 400-700 calories… a serving is a THIRD of a box… a box fills a bowl but it is not a serving! So you eat a bowl of mac and cheese… 1,200-2,100 calories… in ONE SITTING!!!

The only way to lose weight is consume fewer calories than you use. It’s that easy. If you’re eating mac and cheese for dinner and Oreos to top it off, that’s 3,200 calories! This doesn’t include the burger and fries and Diet Coke (laughable offense) you had for lunch and whatever you had for breakfast. When the only exercise you do is walk from your house to your car and then you get a rock star parking spot at work, you’re not using that many calories. NOT EVEN CLOSE. This was me. I’m not kidding. That’s why I’m saying all this… I WAS THIS PERSON!!! I’m not making fun of anyone. I was here! When I started counting my calories it really hit me. I became aware of how many calories were entering my body. I started reading nutritional labels. How many calories? What’s a serving? How much fiber? How much protein? These are the main things I look at… some people get caught up in the fat content. I’m sorry, but fat makes food taste good. Fat also directly contributes to calories so the lower the calories, the lower the fat… sometimes. Common sense. Read the labels!!

Now, this being said, I do have my days where I will eat anything and everything that’s bad that I possibly can, no matter what. Sometimes I’ll do it for a week. It’s still a conscious decision I make. Even when I’m emotional I remain aware. I wrote a blog, When’s a good time to cheat? Bad title, good point. It didn’t get a lot of hits because people didn’t realize it’s about your cheat days, not cheating on someone (idiots, don’t judge a book by its cover)! The point is it’s IMPORTANT to have a cheat meal. I don’t believe in depriving yourself. It causes bingeing (go read it. I’m not going to rehash it all here). You need discipline to cheat though. It’s not an excuse to get off your wagon, let the wagon roll down the hill without you, and then say, “I don’t know how I gained 10 pounds.” Stay on the wagon. Keep control. Ask for help if you know you can’t do it but want to do it. When you ask for help, take the help when it’s there.

This all ultimately comes down to wanting to be healthier. You have to want the good health more than the feeling the bad food gives you. You have to know that what you eat fuels you. So if you eat fatty foods, you will be fat. If you eat healthy foods, you will be healthy. If you eat beef you will be a cow… not really. So many times people ask me how I lost my weight. I give them this answer, “stop drinking alcohol, drink more water, fewer sugar and carbs…” I need to start answering it with, “I became more aware of what I put in my body.” This covers all of that and then some. Be. More. Aware. Don’t sabotage yourself by getting extra sour cream and cheese and guac on your Chipotle. It’s enough that you have it on there in the first place, don’t make it worse.

How do you want to be healthy? This is difficult. I have a note to write about this but I don’t know how to answer it. For me it was about my future. I used to literally dream about running. That was my minds way of telling me that’s what I want. Last night I had a dream about running and it feels as good as a dream about flying. I know in my gut I’m meant to run. I can’t explain it. Bestie is a runner. She’s great motivation. Going to a marathon is great inspiration. Going to the gym and being on a treadmill between two runners is great motivation. The Handsome One ran a half marathon at a fluffy 272 pounds. This is my motivation. I knew when I saw the scale hit 309 pounds that was it. I didn’t want to be fat anymore. That was my wakeup call, three years ago. Everyone has their own pace and their own goal. I didn’t have a goal at first. I just knew I didn’t want to be fat anymore. That was the goal. As time goes on, I evolve. I want to eat better. I want to be healthier. I still don’t want to be fat. I want to run. I want to run a half marathon. I want to be alive for my children. I want to inspire people. I will.

Back in the saddle and ready to go.

I know you all missed me during the holidays. Happy New Year! I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday season! It flew by for me and it’s hard to believe how quickly it went.

The holidays were full of changes this year as my parents recently divorced and there are more people being welcomed into the family since this happened. For me it was nice to share the love of the season with more people. Since you’re sharing love, why not eat some food while you’re at it… right? Yeeaahhh… we’ll get to this in a bit.

I found out this weekend about a new family reader I have. Can I say, I love my readers, first of all, but I really love the secret readers. It warms my heart to know who is reading. Some of the most unexpected people read and I can’t express my gratitude enough. I don’t write short blogs so I know you have to really want to know what I’m saying to stick around and subscribe or admit you read it. I LOVE YOU! Seriously.

This secret reader family member asked my mom how I actually write my blogs. Since I am inspired by the interest, I will answer this question!

I never thought about a writing style until she asked me. I know how I write. I wasn’t taught how to write, really. I mean we learned a certain amount in high school but nothing in depth. Writing has always come very easily for me, much easier than speaking. I thought about getting an app to speak my blogs to so the app will write it, but I stumble over everything. It feels very awkward to me.

What I do is I make a list of points I want to discuss in a blog. Then I write about it. I don’t make a list and elaborate on it then write. I literally make a bullet list and go. Here is the list for this blog:

• Weight loss goals 25 by 3.28.13. 35 by 6.1.13
• Holiday eating
• Last year at this time – the dress
• Lost my motivation after the goal was reached
• How I write my blogs – new readers

That’s as simple as it is. I take topics in the order I wish to write them and I just start typing. It’s like my brain knows exactly what to say. When I’m done with a topic I will go back and proof read the section to make sure it sounds good and makes sense. I make my changes and I move on to the next topic. Then when I’m done, I read it in its entirety. I don’t do a lot of editing because I’m practically perfect as it is… BAHAHAHA… not… I don’t edit a lot because this is meant to be me. This is raw footage. It’s the good stuff. There are plenty of blogs that are covered in sugar and spice and everything nice but that’s not who I am and that’s not how I write, as I’m sure my regulars know. That’s why you read it. I appreciate that! My uncle told me last year that I write like I am speaking to you. This is exactly what it is. If I was going to sit and have a conversation with you, this is exactly what I would say. It’s me. =)

As many of you know I was Bestie’s maid of honor in September. Here are my two favorite pictures from the wedding and a couple more. She told me the other day how beautiful I looked and I told her I hated how I was spilling out of the dress. She insisted I looked great.

All of us

My favorite #1

My fav #2

I just thought… when I got that dress the zipper would not move. I was determined to make it fit and I did and I didn’t bust out of it. I didn’t rip any seams. I may have spilled over a little (or a lot) but that damn thing zipped and I hit that goal. There are two topics here. Last year at this time and losing the motivation after the goal was reached.

First of all, last year at this time I had just ordered the dress after speaking with someone at David’s and trying to figure out what size to order. I was a size 20 and about 250-260 pounds. I knew I did NOT want to be a 20 in the wedding pictures. I was a size 22 for Aaron’s wedding and I am disgusted with the way I look in those pictures. I was terrified to order this dress. It was being discontinued. I couldn’t get another one if it didn’t work. I wasn’t going to be a 20, that’s all I knew. I remember in January I told myself I couldn’t fail. “This is your best friend’s wedding. You will not be a whale and you will wear the dress you bought!” I was determined.

I think it was in July where I hit my lowest weight, most weight lost, 87 pounds. I became very emotional after my parent’s divorce and found myself beginning to emotionally eat more and more. As I dealt with that struggle, I knew in the back of my mind I had to stay in check because that dress zipped and I had to make sure it still zipped in September. I gained about 5 pounds; just enough to make it a challenge to zip that damn dress… I knew I had to maintain if I couldn’t keep losing… I did just this through the wedding day.

You would think there was a switch on my life. As soon as the wedding was over, I stopped being such a nazi about my food intake. I did the same thing the year before. I remember saying I jumped off the wagon in October for the holidays and in January I started right back up. I’m doing the same thing this year. After the wedding I really struggled with the fact I met my goal. Now you say, “how do you STRUGGLE with meeting a goal?!” I didn’t have anything to motivate me to keep going. Some of you now say, “Why do you need motivation to keep going? Just do it.” It just is not that simple. I need that carrot in front of me to keep this up. It’s much more fun to eat cake and red meat and drink egg nog all the time. Much less fun to eat like a rabbit… at least for me it is.

Yes, in the big picture my health should be my main motivator, and it is, but I hit a wall and I wanted to ENJOY the holidays. So I did. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel like I robbed myself of anything. I may have back peddled a little bit, but nothing too terrible. I know what I’m doing and I know how to get back on track. It was very difficult after the wedding with no goal in sight. I’m VERY proud of what I did and I now have a new goal in site. Big picture: I’m still down 75 pounds. BOOM! Can’t take that away from me!

This is NOT a New Year’s resolution. I hate that crap. You set yourself up for failure. So many people set unrealistic goals and then are depressed when they don’t or can’t reach it. Here are my goals.

I want to lose 25 pounds by March 28, 2013. What is the significance of this? In about 25 pounds I will have lost 100 pounds from my heaviest weight. March 28, 2013 is my 10,000^th day of life. I will be 10,000 days old and I just think that’s a cool goal to have. 100 pounds for 10,000 days.

I want to lose a total of 35 pounds by June 1, 2013. When I hit this goal I will explain it. The date has no relevance.

So now that I have publicly stated it, I must do it, right? Yup. You bet I will. I will have more experiences and stories to tell as time goes on, so I will be writing again.

Feel free to ask questions or comment. It’s always welcome. Thanks for reading!!

PS: Things are going very well with the boyfriend, who I will call “The Handsome One” until he tells me otherwise. He’s on this journey with me now so we’ll see how it goes!

What has society done to us?

Instagram has been consuming a lot of my time recently. More than it should but I see so much on there to read or look at. I find people who need support, I find people who have tons of support, I find girls who need support of a different kind and there are too many of the wrong people supporting them. I find inspiration for myself. It’s amazing what one app can do to change your life. It sounds a bit far fetched, but it’s true. It hasn’t changed my life, but you know some of those people need their followers to keep it going.

There are a few things I want to talk about tonight. What is true inspiration? What has society done to girls? What about the naysayers or people who can’t support you? Can you be judged for eating right?

When people used to tell me I was an inspiration I pretty much blew them off. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m going to say it again. People of all shapes and sizes told me I was an inspiration to them. I didn’t see it. I still have a difficult time with it but now I feel it more than ever. There are pictures on my new favorite virtual playground (Instagram) of people like me, who have lost 50+ pounds. There are A LOT of us. Then I see people who are like a size 4 who lose five pounds and others comment on their pictures that they’re “so inspirational.” This REALLY helped it click for me. I actually feel insulted by that. I don’t mean to take away someone else’s success, but for someone to say that five pounds is inspirational blows me away. Five pounds is one big dump to some people out there… How about almost 100 pounds? Or how about MORE than 100 pounds? Or what about those that finally got the strength to begin their journey and have more than 100 pounds to lose? These people are inspirations. Anyone can lose five pounds. Not everyone can lose half of their original body weight… Inspiration is all about what pushes you to make a change for yourself or feel a certain way. I’m blessed and grateful for the people who have reached out to me to express their gratitude for helping motivate them.

There is the other extreme on there though, which actually makes me incredibly sad for the future of our young women (and even men) in the world. They’re so brain washed to think that having your hip bones stick out is the way to be. Or to be able to wrap your hands around your thighs. Or to have a “thigh gap” or boney shoulders or a visible spine or ribcage… These girls post under #weightloss but also under #bulimic and #anorexic.  They post grotesque pictures of sickly thin girls who are malnourished, that have dingy hair and gray skin and think it’s attractive and they strive for that “perfection.” One girl posted words that said something like “food is bad for me.” I posted that bad food is bad for you. Apparently she had binged and was feeling fat and guilty. When I read her profile she had that she was 130 pounds and her goal weight was 97 pounds. She was really thin. She twisted her body to show her hips in the pictures. I thought back to a girl I went to high school with and she told me she was bulimic and I told her how thin she was and she said that was like calling a fat person fat. I never thought of it this way. Their brains are wired differently. They need love, support and guidance. They need to know what healthy really is and how to get to that point in their lives. We see models in magazines and TV personalities, and we’re made to feel like we’re huge when they’re tiny. I’m a size 16 now. I plan on being at least a 12. I am now the size of an “average” American woman and I still feel huge. Why do I feel like this? Why do 15 year old girls who aren’t physically mature feel like they’re not pretty or skinny enough?

I have encountered people in my life that don’t have it in them to be supportive of the decisions I’m making. I don’t expect everyone to be “on my side.” I don’t care. I know who my true friends are. I know the people that really matter. I am much stronger than the naysayers. I have the ability to say no to a patty melt or doughnut. When I am ready, I will decide what I eat. Those people think, “What’s one doughnut going to hurt? What’s one piece of candy?” Okay, well take something you REALLY like and say no to it when someone puts it in front of you. A glass of wine, a piece of cake, pretzels, popcorn, beer… try it sometime. Then the person offering will tell you to take it, that it’s okay, and you know you can’t for your own good. If you don’t have a medical reason to back you up, it’s even harder. No one is really going to force a diabetic to eat cubes of sugar, but if you’re not a diabetic, what’s your excuse? Your own health? Your own determination? Your own promise to yourself? That’s not good enough to some people. Yes, this can be discouraging, but to know you have the strength to be true to yourself is your power. Someone I work/worked with one time made a comment about why my back may have been hurting (even though I wasn’t complaining of any pain), implying it was because of my weight. I will never in my life forget this. At that time I was my heaviest and I was gobsmacked that someone would actually say that to me, in front of someone else, no less. I felt extremely hurt by this and I know that person has no idea they did it. To make a negative comment about someone’s weight is, I think, one of the worst things you can actually say to a person, especially if the person making the comment has never had a weight problem. Now that I’m losing weight, the naysayers can EAT their words and kiss my ass because it doesn’t matter what you think. You’re meaningless in my big picture and will only be a blip in my memory some day. Don’t judge me for wanting to make myself a better person and then actually following through.

These pants fit me at one point (in 2009-2010). They’re a size 22. Do you think they make my butt look big?

If this is how I look, then how do I feel?

My mom sent me a text yesterday and it said, “wait until you see the difference in your neck between Christmas and now!” She and my dad were looking through her California pictures and I guess they went back and looked at more.

I have comparisons on my phone that I have put together over the past few months and I’ve littered Instagram with them but I wanted to see what my mom was talking about.

I went to a wedding with Bestie yesterday and I wore a dress I had purchased a couple months ago. It’s long and sleeveless with a low neckline. I felt somewhat uncomfortable with the neckline because I’m not used to wearing anything that low cut. I told Bestie that I felt like my boobs were hanging out. She said they were kind of but it wasn’t inappropriate. I looked around at what other women were wearing and thought I was the one with the lowest neckline and this made me really self conscious. Now, in all honesty, the dress wasn’t THAT bad. I just felt exposed because I’m not used to wearing something like that. I know what size I am. I’m still having a hard time grasping what it really looks like to other people since I have such a distorted view of myself and I always have. I’m forcing myself to wear things I am not used to wearing because I feel like eventually I’ll believe it looks good. I don’t care if YOU say it looks good, I have to believe it myself.

9/8/12 Wedding Photobooth

After the wedding I stopped at Mom’s house to ask her about a plant (that I’ll probably end up killing, even though she says they’re indestructible). I asked her to see the picture she was talking about earlier in the day. It was another one of those moments where I felt like I was looking at someone else.

A picture from my birthday (November 10, 2011) and one from Grandma’s birthday (July 18, 2012)

Again, I know it’s me, but it feels so strange to look at it. Now you’re probably sitting there thinking, “wow she looks so great,” or “how did she make that huge of a change in such a short period of time?” Well, I think my butt and legs and hips got tired of getting skinny, so my face, neck and shoulders took over.

I really changed my eating habits this year. I HAD to. In December I was a size 20 (XXL-XXXL). I was really stuck because I knew I had to buy a dress for Bestie’s wedding by the end of December. The one she chose was being discontinued. I knew I didn’t want to be a size 20 at her wedding and I had to set a goal for myself. I did not want to buy a size 20 dress and allow myself to half ass this weight loss, knowing I had a dress big enough, just in case I didn’t commit to losing the weight. I know how I think and I had to take away the safety net. I had no idea what size to order. I talked to a woman at the dress store and explained to her what I was doing and we decided to go with a size 16. She asked me three times if I was sure I wanted to do this and I told her “I have to. I have to buy this dress, then I have to make sure it fits by September.” I wasn’t scared. I didn’t think, “what if it won’t fit?” I did think, “what if I lose too much and they can’t alter it?” (They can only alter down two sizes). I kept telling myself, “you have nine months. You can do this and you have to do this. You can’t fail, don’t look like a dummy.” So I really started watching how much I was eating and what I was eating. To this day I’m still watching because the dress does zip, and it fits better than last time it zipped (I can breathe in it now), but it’s at that point where if I gain five pounds it probably won’t zip. I have two more weeks to work on it.

The back of the dress

The other day I grabbed an old hoodie I had and threw it in the car to take to work. It’s an XL. When I bought it, it JUST fit. Then I washed it and it never fit again. I think I bought it in 2004 or 2005. I haven’t tried to put it on in years. I gave up hope. It makes me wonder why I even kept it. I was freezing at work the other day and went to get it from my car. I didn’t care how tight it was going to be, it’s all I had and it was going to work. As I slipped it over my head and down my arms, I realized it wasn’t nearly as tight as I thought it was going to be. I looked in the mirror and this is what I saw.

It was comfortable. Thank God, it’s the only hoodie I have that actually fits!

Today I asked Mom to send me the pictures she showed me last night and I asked if she could find any from 2008 or 2009 since that’s when I was my heaviest. Mom is always taking pictures, so I knew she had some. Here is some of what she sent.

Excuse my ridiculous expression from 2009.
I took the 2012 picture today after seeing this

Now in both of these pictures, I remember how uncomfortable I felt, especially the bottom one. I had a button down shirt on under the sweater. Both were too tight as it was and I remember feeling SOOO restricted and HOT! I was always too warm, especially in bulky sweaters. In the picture on the top: I loved that sweater because it was thin, but I always felt like it was too tight. I refused to buy the next size up, I didn’t even try it on. Sweaters were nice because they stretched out. I really did hate how I looked. I remember looking in the mirror so many days and not really seeing myself because I really didn’t want to. I was so unhappy and felt like I didn’t have the determination to change it. I was comfortable being uncomfortable. I remember thinking, “the good thing about always being fat… when you go to your high school reunion, no one can comment on how fat you got.” Yeah, well, guess what? I was fat during high school, then I got skinny after high school, then I got really fat way after high school and now I’m getting healthy (and skinny). I hope to not make this yo-yo trip again.

How do I feel now? Physically, I feel great. I know what I’m supposed to be eating and what is going to make me feel like crap. I feel like I’m on the right path to where I want to be. I don’t feel like I’m struggling with my food choices. Everything I eat is a conscious decision. I know what I’m eating.

Mentally, I still feel confused. I don’t know if I will ever feel “normal” when I see old pictures of myself. I may need counseling? Am I supposed to feel like this? If this feeling doesn’t go away will I “relapse” back into fatness because that’s mentally where I literally picture myself? When will I feel “satisfied” with the way I look, if ever?

Emotionally, I feel better every day. Every picture “like” on Facebook or Instagram make a difference. The biggest impact comes from people from high school that I haven’t talked to since high school, or total strangers. It makes me think, why are these people liking these pictures? I’m still me… have I physically changed that much and it’s their way of saying “I see you, I see what you’ve done?” My support system is always telling me how great I look and how proud they are. I feel strong and confident again. I don’t feel like I want to hide. I don’t feel fat, like I used to, but I know I still have weight to lose. I feel better every day and when I see pictures that I can put side-by-side, it’s the greatest motivation, knowing I did it through my own strength and willpower. All of the likes and comments are helping me pick up the pieces to my self esteem and you are helping me believe in myself, more so now than ever.

This motivation makes me want to help motivate others. Today I spent WAY too much time on Instagram looking at #weightloss and #weightlossjourney. There are so many people going through what I’ve gone through, and what I’m going through and I have the ability to pay it forward to these strangers and be that pat on the back. I can let them know they’re doing a great job and keep up the good work. They can see my pictures, and see the proof that I’ve been there, I know what they’re dealing with. If I can give just one person a little bit of hope, showing them that it may be a huge hill to climb, but they can do it, even if it is one tiny step at a time.

2010 was a bad year apparently. Gross.

I feel like the older I get, the better I look.

Classic Adage: You are what you eat.

Just because something says organic, doesn’t mean it’s treated humanely. Just because something says organic, doesn’t mean it is organic.

I used to say I only drink organic milk. Okay, well, there are a few things wrong here. One, organic used to mean no growth hormones or antibiotics or junk. I have read that it has changed. Now (as of 2004) organic means you can treat your cows with these drugs, and as long as a year has passed before you take the milk, it’s okay. Also, pesticides can be used even if there are unknown ingredients as long as you say you try to identify them… (basically what it says in Skinny Bitch, Pg 102). It also says you can put organic on anything without being monitored by the USDA. What kind of regulations are these? Who makes these rules up?

Two, let’s just say the milk was truly organic… that doesn’t mean the cows weren’t tortured during collection or even just hanging out on the farm. It doesn’t mean they come from a nice, loving place with lots of green pastures, like we all like to think.

I used to eat any kind of meat, no big deal. The other day, something hit me… I was at the grocery store and I wanted some chicken. When I went to grab a package of Tyson boneless skinless thighs, all I could think of was when I read about the chickens getting the ends of their beaks sliced off with a hot knife. Needless to say, I didn’t get the chicken. I look in the meat case and thought about the “You Are What You Eat” chapter in Skinny Bitch and I couldn’t bring myself to buy any of it. I don’t know if the cows, pigs, and chickens in that case went through any of the horrific things I read, but I like to think they probably did. It makes my stomach turn to even think someone could be so cruel to an innocent animal.

I left the large box grocery store and went to Earth Fare. My brother works for them and I have been there several times. I never really asked a lot of questions, I just purchased what I liked. Now keep in mind, Earth Fare is on the far north end of town and it’s about a 20 minute drive, not convenient to get to at all for me, but I really wanted some chicken. I didn’t know if I would buy any meat there, but I had one major question I wanted answered.

The store is very nice. A large front wall, full of windows, lets a great amount of natural light in. It’s an odd layout and very compact. My brother says it’s because you’re supposed to shop the outsides of the store, the departments with all of the “real” food, I suppose. There’s a juice stand, hot and cold food bar, bakery, sandwich, pizza, and sushi stations, prepared foods, specialty (deli), wine, meat, seafood, nuts and dairy, and produce. The internal aisles have all of the “standard” stuff, cereal, pasta, canned veggies, frozen foods, etc. I say “standard” because it’s all organic and they have what they call Food Philosophy. They don’t use artificial sweeteners, artificial fats or artificial trans fats, no high fructose corn syrup, no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives, no bleached or bromated flour, and no antibiotics or synthetic growth hormones in their fresh meat or dairy. You can read about all of this in the link above.

I usually walk right to prepared foods. They have a case full of salads that range from meat to vegetarian to vegan.  They also have precooked chicken and fish. I purchased a big ‘ole slice of “White Lasagna.” It had cheese, carrots, spinach, and herbs and it was much better than I thought it would be. When asked the woman behind the counter what was in it, she was able to tell me exactly. She warned me about the dairy and wheat. It was really nice she was able to tell me this in the event I had a food allergy or dietary restriction. She didn’t hassle me or make it up. She looked it up and told me the truth. I didn’t do this to be difficult or test her, I just really wanted to know what I was going to eat.

Next, I stopped at the huge case of chilled beverages. I passed through specialty, passed the olives and wine and made my way to the meat counter. When I walked up, the guy behind the counter complimented me on my ring and asked if he could help me. I said, “I have a question and this may seem weird, but when purchasing your meat, does Earth Fare take into consideration the treatment of the animals prior to slaughter?” He said they absolutely do and that’s a primary factor with almost anything in the store. At their core, they really care about where everything comes from and how it’s obtained. I told him I had just been to a big box store and couldn’t help but think about how inhumanely animals are treated at slaughterhouses. He went in search of a book when I brought this up. He told me I HAD to see it. I wasn’t in a hurry so I figured I’d hang around and look at whatever he was going to show me. He finds it behind the counter on a shelf under a box of gloves. It has a brown cover with some words on it. I wish I would have paid more attention to these words so I could share the name of the beef farm. Since I don’t remember, you all have to suffer. Anyway, he hands it over to me and tells me to flip through it, that those are pictures of the farm where all of the cows come from. There are pictures of cows in grassy fields, acres and acres of nothing but farm land. It was beautiful. As I was flipping through it, he continued to tell me that if they ask a supplier for information or pictures, the supplier isn’t normally forthcoming with it. I said it’s because they’re tying to hide something; you say you treat your animals humanely, but you can’t back it up. The book I was looking at was about twelve inches square and a quarter inch thick. There had to have been 50-60 color pages. One picture was a few cows in deep grass with a clear blue stream of water. It made me happy to see this. He told me they don’t carry veal because they can’t find a humane supplier. I told him I don’t eat veal for this exact reason (I also don’t like how it tastes). They do sell lamb though (poor little yummy lamb). I thanked him for the chat and ended up picking up a steak and a couple chicken thighs; I then made a quick pass through produce for some Fuji apples.

After talking to this guy and seeing the book, I really felt like it was okay for me to eat the meat from this store. They care about it just as much as I do. I told him I never cared before I read this book (Skinny Bitch) and now I think about it all the time. I also said I can see why people become vegetarians or vegans. I like beef and chicken too much to not eat it. But I’m less likely to eat it if it’s been tortured and scared before being mangled to death. I’ll drive the 20 extra minutes it takes to get good food.

Another company that I like to visit regularly (not as much as I used to though) is Chipotle. They have very similar values when it comes to the treatment and nutrition of the animals for either the meat they use or the dairy. They believe in allowing the animals to live natural lives and behave naturally, not be controlled in some factory setting. They call it Food With Integrity. It gives me hope that there are companies who care. Those who are willing to make a special trip or pay a little more, eat better food.

Eating well costs money. It’s cheap to kill sick, injured animals full of drugs and chemicals, then distribute it to millions of clueless Americans. It costs money to keep animals healthy with good feed and a nice place to live. It takes time to treat them with love and care. I feel better in my heart knowing the meat and dairy I am eating isn’t full of fear and toxins. Going out to eat is a different story, but I definitely think about it.

Grandma is cooking… you wouldn’t say no either…

Yesterday Mom and I left for California. It was a long day to say the least but enjoyable. On the flight from Columbus to Atlanta, the flight was only half full. Our layover was only 45 minutes and we had to change terminals. Thank God ATL is organized and efficient! We made the connection without having to run or anything, always a plus. It’s nice also because you don’t have a lot of sitting around. You go and get right on your next flight. The flight from ATL to San Francisco was nice. A large plane. Mom was in the middle with two other seats to her left. No one was in the middle so she had some room. I was supposed to have someone sitting next to me (at the window) and I was on the aisle. Everyone was almost boarded and the person next to me still hadn’t shown up. They never did. Sweet. Two seats and a window for 4 hours. I felt like I hit the jackpot even though I was praying for a handsome business man who would chat me up.

I had my Kindle and my phone, and I was set. I am currently reading two books at the same time. Something I’ve never done but with the Kindle it’s so easy! The first book is called, As Always, Julia: The Letters of Julia Child and Avis DeVoto, by Joan Reardon. I love Julia Child and I thought it would be a fun read (which it is). It’s the letters from the very beginning of Julia’s friendship with Avis DeVoto in their original form. It’s so interesting to see the style of letter writing in the 1950’s. They started off by writing “Dear Mrs. DeVoto,” and signing, “Julia Child [Mrs. Paul Child].” Eventually it became more relaxed, but still fun, nonetheless.

The other book is called Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. This is my pre-read for Eat to Live and I think it will pay off in the long run. From what I understand, Eat to Live is much more technical and Skinny Bitch is right to the point. I’m about 1/3 of the way through this and some info is really interesting. Like, did you know when aspartame comes in contact with your stomach acid it creates formaldehyde? This book is full of scary crap like this. I love the way it’s written and how direct it is. They are really pro-vegan which is not as far as I want to go, but I can totally see why.

There is a chapter called “You Are What You Eat” and I think it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever read in my life. It’s a chapter about slaughterhouses and there are quotes taken from the book Slaughterhouse: The Shocking Story of Greed, Neglect and Inhumane Treatment Inside The U.S. Meat Industry by Gail A. Eisnitz. Totally gut wrenching and disgusting. It was some of the worst things I’ve ever had to think about in my life. I can’t unread it. I don’t want to and I’m glad I saw it so I’m more aware. I can’t be ignorant to things like that. I was reading that chapter on the plane and I can only imagine the look of horror on my face as I read it. I got to a point I actually had to stop (three different times) and do something else to just take a step back because it is SO intense. I still haven’t finished that chapter.

This book is really making me think a LOT more about what I actually put in my body. I’m sure Eat to Live will do the same thing, but this is the one I’m reading right now, so it’s the one that’s impacting me. After reading that yesterday, I remembered we were having LAMB CHOPS for dinner. CRAP. Even now thinking about it, it makes me feel really emotional knowing some of what happens in a slaughterhouse. I thought, were these poor little lambs on our dinner plates treated like that? Did they have to suffer an excruciating death? I don’t think I will not think that for a while when eating meat. It had a huge impact on me and I’m glad I know it.

They have talked about more than the slaughterhouse. They have talked about all the hormones in meat and dairy and how it affects your health. They talk about all of the chemicals in artificial sweetener. Aspartame… it scares the crap out of me. My brother works for a natural food store and they have classes or seminars or something that teaches them different things about food and healthy eating. He said all of those diet drinks are so bad because they form a coating in your stomach, not allowing you to absorb the proper nutrients from anything you eat. Yeah, that lining is formaldehyde. In case you don’t know, this is what is used in the mixture to EMBALM DEAD BODIES… to preserve them from decomposing. Holy crap. He also said skim milk is one of the worst things you can consume. Since all of the fat is removed, all that is left is the sugar and the water. So you’re drinking milk flavored sugar water basically.

I’m reading this book and I’m in the land of amazing food. My grandma is an INCREDIBLE cook and there is always great food here. Before I came out here, Grandma asked me to call her to discuss what I eat so she could make sure everything I needed was here so I didn’t totally derail my whole eating plan. Someone at work said, “Tell her you’re on vacation and it doesn’t matter.” I said, “Normally I wouldn’t care but now is not the time to fall off the wagon, weeks before a wedding I’m in and the dress still doesn’t zip. I have to be very careful.” I’m blessed to have a family that is so understanding and trying very hard to make this as simple as they can while I’m here. I told her to not worry about all of the other food. I have actually become very good about taking one bite, or a small portion.

Side story: my coworkers and I went to lunch recently and the server asked if we wanted a piece of birthday cake. Everyone said yes and I didn’t. I said I only wanted one bite. The cake came, about a two by two-inch square, one layer. I took a bite off one piece. That’s all I wanted, but when I looked back the cake was gone. I sarcastically said to my coworker, “Thanks for taking away the option for me to have a second bite.” We all laughed, and there were literally a couple bites left. I’m glad he inhaled the rest of it though, so I wouldn’t have to even think about it, even though I KNEW I didn’t want another bite. Sometimes it’s just easier to not have it there to consider.

Grandma has a kitchen stocked with fruit and veggies. She makes sure to tell me it’s okay to not eat a part of dinner (ex: rice). It’s at the forefront of her mind when preparing a meal, asking me if everything is okay for me to eat. Of course it is. I just eat less of it, and more veggies or fruit. It’s so difficult at times because I REALLY want to stuff my face; Her food is always SO, SO good, but I know I can’t. I’m blessed to have a family who lets me eat. What I mean is, no one says, “are you sure you should be eating that,” or make me feel guilty for eating anything. If I asked them to say something like that, they would, but they don’t. People think they’re trying to help by saying something like that and it just makes you feel bad, triggering the emotion, creating the urge to binge. Some people know they need reminders and ask for them, and other people, like me, know what you need to do and consciously make decisions every time you eat something.

Grandpa picked up pastries for breakfast. There is a family reunion Saturday. We’re going to dinner Friday. I’m not really concerned with this. Some people would be freaking out about, “oh my god, what if I can’t eat anything?” Not me. I know there will be something I can eat, even if I only eat salad, that’s better than nothing or eating something I shouldn’t. I’m not saying I’m going to be perfect, but it’s about having the control to say no. This morning I had a big salad (since I didn’t eat is last night, I was too into my lamb… poor little lamb…), at least a cup of grapes, a plum, and a peach. I had maybe 8 bites of a couple different pastries. I took two pieces and said, “I have to walk away,” and I did. I could have very easily stood there and continued to graze. I didn’t. I’m proud of myself for that. I know I didn’t eat a whole pastry, and I don’t want to make anyone feel like they shouldn’t or make anyone feel guilty for the choices they make. That’s your choice. It doesn’t affect me, I don’t judge.  Eat what you want.

It helps to have a great support system with this way of eating. It makes it much easier when you have someone to do it with, and people who understand what you’re doing and why and encourage you. I know there is no way I could do this without that support and love from the ones close to me. I can only imaging how difficult it is to try to make this transition on your own, practically impossible. Everyone needs at least one person to turn to and know they will always be there, even if they fall off the wagon. I have several. I am very, very blessed.

(I have pictures I wanted to post, but they’re not uploading properly. I will try again later).

Why are you really overweight?

This is going to be weird to type, but when asking for suggestions on topics to write about, one of my readers [ 🙂 ], made a comment about fat people saying they don’t eat a lot and people are seldom overweight because of medical reasons. There are several topics to discuss here.

We’ll start with the not eating a lot. I am a great example of what “not eating a lot” will turn into. Now honestly, I REALLY didn’t eat a lot. I remember very vividly my former roommate telling me this. He mentioned that he noticed I didn’t eat a lot (he had a way of saying things in a non-offensive way) when we would discuss my weight. It’s true. I rarely ate breakfast and ate what I call convenience foods when I did eat. The problem is, your body is constantly in starvation mode, not knowing the next time you’re going to eat, so it stores everything. There are also a lot of calories in convenience foods. So you don’t have to be a binge eater to be overweight or obese. The difference is, binge eaters, weigh A LOT more.

What are “convenience foods,” you ask? Macaroni and cheese, Velveeta, white bread, Hamburger Helper, chips and dip, anything frozen, pizza; anything that comes prepackaged and not portioned (not like the 100 calorie baggies they make, but a whole bag of Fritos… mmmm Fritos). Life is busy. It’s not 1957 where mom wears an apron and high heels in the kitchen. She doesn’t greet the kids after school with milk and cookies or her husband, who wears a suit and tie every day and carries a briefcase, after work with a scotch on the rocks. She has to work just as many hours as her husband and when she comes home she might not feel like cooking. Yes, I’m being sexist and stereotypical, forgive me, but go with it. Mom wants to come home just as much as dad does to a home cooked, balanced meal. She doesn’t have 2 hours to roast a chicken and peel and mash potatoes and make a gravy (not from a packet of powder) and saute the green beans she bought from the market that afternoon. She has 30 minutes to feed the troops before the kids have to go to soccer or basketball or dance or singing lessons or creative doodling class. So foods were made to fit in a box or a bag and have a long shelf life and be accessible at any time and take 15 minutes to prepare and cook. And it’s cheap. And convenience foods were born. Full of chemicals and calories. YUM!

You say you’re overweight because of medical reasons? Really? Don’t misunderstand me, I know several women who are overweight because of being on steroids for years on end, or they have a thyroid problem. I was looking online and this site says PCOS (the “disease” I have), diabetes, lack of sleep, age, genes, emotional factors, all CAUSE obesity. WHAT?!? I can understand how SOME MAY contribute, but I’m telling you right now, obesity CAUSES PCOS AND DIABETES. It’s not the other way around. When you lose weight, the chances of developing PCOS and disbetes is much lower, and you can actually overcome those diseases. Duh. Having a “slow metabolism,” when not linked to a thyroid problem, is a cop out. It’s another term of L. A. Z. Y. I never blamed the fact I was overweight on anything. Saying you come from a big family and it’s genetic… okay maybe, but you don’t have to be fat because everyone else is fat. Lack of sleep, age, emotional factors… all a crock of crap. Be strong enough to overcome this. No one is going to harass you about your weight. I don’t care how much you weigh. If you’re happy, that’s stupendous, but if you whine about being overweight, and you don’t have a medical issue, zip it. You’re the one who controls how much you weigh. No one in the whole world controls your weight, except you. If you’re unhappy, you’re the ONLY ONE who can change it. Also, even if you do have a medical disorder, it doesn’t mean you have to eat poorly. Our bodies were made to digest plants and grains. Fuel your body with good food. I’m living proof that you don’t have to exercise to lose weight. Simply change your diet. If it “doesn’t work,” you’re not doing it right. It’s simple, consume fewer calories than you use, you HAVE to lose weight.

Lastly, I saw a statistic here that says 68% of Americans over the age of 20 are obese or overweight. This also on Wikipedia. SIXTY. EIGHT. PERCENT. This is [more than] TWO-THIRDS… How is it that Americans are so fat? It’s become so acceptable. Your leg is too fat to use one x-ray film? NO PROBLEM! We’ll use TWO films and bill the insurance company or Medicare for it, and then NOT say something to you about it and let you believe that it’s okay.  Cheesecake Factory is a PERFECT example. Their menu is 35 pages long. Each dish is $15-20 and it’s enough to serve 3-4 people in another country. But because we’re in America, we have to eat it all ourselves. This is absurd! Don’t get me wrong, their food is tasty, but WHY does the plate have to be the size of my steering wheel and WHY does it have to be heaping with food?? What purpose does it serve? If you cut the amount of food on the plate in half, you could lower your freakin prices and maybe more people would throw away less food. Five Guys, it soaks a hole in your bag with the grease. Pizza Hut Meat Lovers Pizza, clogs your arteries just looking at it. Have you ever compared the size of a Wendy’s small salad to a Wendy’s burger? It seems puny to me. Emphasis is put on children to eat right, but their parents are overweight. I can appreciate there are obese children and the government is trying to regulate proper eating habits, but why not help the adults too? I don’t think there is enough awareness of what good can come from fresh fruits and veggies.

We see examples like Honey Boo Boo and her Momma on TV and it looks acceptable to live your life like a train wreck because TLC will give you a whole show just to live your life like a freight train on fire rolling off a cliff. To some people, it justifies their lifestyle… to others it’s sheer entertainment. (I’ve been wanting to work Honey Boo Boo into one of these blogs). She’s a great example of what an uneducated, overly confident, overweight stage mom can do to a child. HBB is very cute, but at 6 years old she weighs 72 pounds and TLC is capitalizing on that. Instead of her Redbull and Mountain Dew, give the girl an apple or something. Next TLC will have HBB on a weight loss show for children…

God help the future. We’re all going to end up like the people up in space in the movie Wall-E, where our bones are miniscule compared to our fat content and we’ll all have hover chairs to get around…