So much for trying to get on a writing schedule this month =/ I spent a lot of the month in a funk and it wasn’t until I spoke with a very dear friend that I snapped out of it.
As many of my readers know, I try to center my blog about weight loss or food or something like that. I realized that’s a little limiting and I call this my journey to being the person I am meant to be so I’m going to begin throwing in more stuff. More about me and my life, not like what I had for breakfast and my daily activity, but more my thought process on life topics.
Some of you do, but most of you don’t, know my parents got divorced this year. They were together for 31 years. It’s amicable. They don’t hate each other and sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if they did. The whole process is unconventional and it’s been very difficult for me to deal with regardless of love or friendship or anything. The pain of your parents getting divorced is nothing you can prepare for or understand, and it feels like no other heartache you will ever feel in your life. As with most heartache it gets better with time but it’s still weird. You don’t need someone to explain the situation 46 different ways. You understand what happened. You don’t need to hear how “it’s not you, it’s me,” or “it’s better this way.” You know all of this. Your brain consciously understands and accepts what is, but your heart feels incapable.
Then when one parent moves on it feels beyond wrong. You want to go back to how things used to be because it’s comfortable. Comfortable is always easy, no matter how bad it is. Just pretend it’s not happening, don’t think about it, live in denial. Nothing works. Eat cake. Eat bread. Eat chocolate and lots of it. Eat anything and everything. It’s not getting better. Now you feel fat, you’ve gained god knows how much weight and you still feel like crap emotionally. You’re in a rut. You’re depressed. You’re spinning your wheels. You desperately try to figure it out but you can’t see through your cloud to the light.
I called to catch up with a great friend, someone who I consider a mentor, and explained to them VERY briefly what I was feeling and they knew exactly what to say. They always do. This person has always had the ability to connect with me on a really deep spiritual level from the very beginning and when you have that connection with someone, life is easier. (I have this same connection with Bestie. I’m blessed to have that connection with more than one person in my life). You can say things and even if you make no sense at all, that person understands EXACTLY what you’re saying. This friend didn’t let me go into any detail or get too far in before they interrupted me. It will probably be a moment etched in my brain for all eternity. I remember exactly where I was when this person blew away that cloud I had been trying to see through for weeks. I was going to put what they told me, but I opted not to. What’s important to share is I listened and opened my heart and because I was open to it, I felt better. I feel that with time I would have made it through that cloud but with a little bit of help I feel like my life changed. I let go. I didn’t want to carry around that hurt and the resentment and that pain. To that friend, you have taught me so much in such a short time and I am so grateful for you. You will always hold a special place in my heart and my life.
I feel as if I have a gift. I don’t know what it is. Well I do know… it’s my intuition. It’s insane. I tend to know things without being told. If I don’t know now, and the universe thinks I need to know, I will find out. I always do. What does this mean? I feel like I’m here to help others. I’m trying to figure out what my sole purpose in life is besides motherhood. I know there’s something bigger. Maybe motherhood is it but I’m not ready for any bastard, illegitimate children so until the time is right, I know there is something else.
Blaire's Journey 