The Bestie finally had her wedding this past weekend. I knew several people there and most of them had this as their first impression of me.
July 2010 — Effing awful. Embarrassing.
I got to spend some time with some wonderful people. It’s amazing that the human brain remembers someone based on a certain memory. This was the memory they had of me… I had certain memories of specific people and I was apprehensive about spending time with these people based on that. It turned out to be very nice. I have changed an enormous amount over the last two years. I would hate for anyone to continue to judge me based on how I looked or acted two or more years ago, because God knows I was a walking hot mess for several years! I was just as open to seeing how the others have changed in their two years. That’s why it is so difficult to get along with some people, because they can’t move past a specific point in THEIR life to see how someone else has grown and appreciate them for who they are NOW.
The last wedding I was in was in October 2010. I was right around 275 pounds. The dress was a size 22 and it was tight. I actually really liked it from day one. The bride’s mom made us little black jackets so we could stay warm. I remember thinking there is no way I was going to wear that dress without something covering my fat arms. I was so nervous about that wedding. I was the Best Man. I was going to be in all the pictures. I knew I was the biggest one in the wedding party. I was really self conscious. I didn’t want everyone to be looking at the bride and groom and be distracted by how large I was. I hated my smile because my face was so big, my smile seemed to get lost in my cheeks. I remember thinking I didn’t want to ruin their wedding pictures. I never said anything to anyone, ever. This is the first time I’ve actually said any of this “out loud.” I didn’t even want to see myself in the pictures. You may think I sound terribly selfish right now. I beg to differ. I’m simply explaining how I felt at the time. I remember thinking, “don’t fall. The Man of Honor is smaller than you and you’ll pull him right over.”
I realized on Friday night how far I’ve come since then. I was talking with a bridesmaid and Bestie and I was telling the bridesmaid how I was in such a bad place mentally in my life and only recently came out of it. Not being happy with your appearance really makes a huge impact on how you feel in general. At least for me it did. I wasn’t happy with me so I wasn’t happy with anything really. I remember blaming it on the fact I was single and no one wanted to date me. Well Jesus, who would?! I am finally feeling more comfortable in my skin. Like I told the bridesmaid, I feel like I’ve gone through a total transformation and I’m a different person now. I mean, I moved away and back, gained a ton of weight, my Bestie went off to the Army which was difficult and depressing and when she came back, I had lost control.
So now there’s her wedding. If you’re one of my followers, you know the dress story. I’m going to tell it again. In October of last year she picked her dress and ours. Hers was stunning. We tried on three different dresses. I really REALLY hated one of them. The other girls loved it. Of course it’s the one she picked. I was so upset about it, but I thought, “It’s not your wedding, it’s hers. She gets what she wants. Keep your mouth shut.” I didn’t say anything. We were standing at the register as she was paying and she knew something was wrong. She asked. I said “nothing” and she gave me the look. I quietly told her I really didn’t like the dress but it didn’t matter. She understood. I told her it wasn’t a big deal, it was her wedding. In that moment, I knew I had to do something to look better in that dress. I think what ultimately threw me off was the putrid green color of the floor sample… and it was falling apart. I was also a size 20. There came a day where I had to make a decision. Now depending on who you talk to, I ordered the dress from two to four sizes too small. I was a size 20. I ordered a size 16. That’s two sizes. That’s a big challenge, but I had to do it. I got the dress in March. It didn’t fit. I still wasn’t a fan. When the dress zipped was when I started liking it. That was in August. Now that I see the pictures, I actually really like it a lot. I wouldn’t say love, but it’s definitely far from hate. It was a journey getting that dress to zip. I’m so proud of myself.
Close to full body shots…
It felt amazing to hear people tell me how great I look. I know they aren’t lying to me or trying to make me feel good. I know some people walked right by me and had no idea who I was, even though they know me. I know one guest has lost A LOT of weight and I’ve seen her pictures, but to see her in person was COMPLETELY different! I assume that’s exactly how it felt for everyone else seeing me for the first time in a really long time.
People also came up to talk to me about my speech. I’m not one to get nervous with public speaking so I was fine. I was just concerned about holding it together long enough to get it all out. I have included it below for those of you who want to read it. It was a great feeling to know it touched so many people. I feel like I’m really starting to see who I really am. That may not make any sense but it does to me. I feel like I’m not living in a cloud any more.
First I would like to welcome home everyone who has recently returned to the States. I also want to thank you all for your service.
We’ve been friends for what seems like 6 of the fastest years of my life. I remember the exact moment we clicked. We hated each other at the beginning. She was coming back to a store that she originally set up and I took over. Territorial and proud, we started working at the service desk together, uncharted territory for her and I was finally feeling comfortable. I remember suggesting how to do something. It was apparently unwelcome and she replied, “if I need your help, I’ll ask for it!” from that moment on we were like macaroni and cheese. Someone once told us, “I never see one of you without the other far behind.”
so much has happened as we’ve grown into the amazing people we are today. I moved away and back. She joined the army, went to basic, AIT, Iraq, and then school. She met a guy while deployed, they got engaged, he went to Afghanistan, she graduated, and here we are. That’s a crazy amount of stuff to go through with someone in six years.
We’ve been through two deployments. She called me her army wife. I called her my soldier. Now shes the army wife and she has her own soldier. We’re closer now than we ever have been. As strange as it may sound, even though we rarely spoke, I feel closer to Brian after this deployment. At one point he sent me a message and thanked me for being here for Christine. I never thought of the impact I had on his life by being here for her. I’m grateful for both of you.
I’ll never understand the bond of soldiers because I’m just a civilian. When Christine told me it was different with Brian, it just felt right on every level, there was no reason for me to question her or her judgement. I knew she found the one.
We’ve been through the near and the far, the good and the bad, the thick and the thin. I’m so excited to see what the future has in store for you both and watch you grow old and gray. I’m so lucky God didn’t bless me with a sister so I could choose my own.
*grab glass*
To Brian and Christine- Cherish the life you have together and remember to live well, laugh often, and love much. I love you.
Can I just say, I really do love and respect our soldiers. I’m accepting applications. Kidding aside, I would love to be an Army Wife.
Photo on Left: the last wedding I was in. I was the Best Man to my best guy friend
Photo on Right: the wedding this weekend. Maid of Honor for my best girl friend
Proof those jeans really did fit at some point
Blaire's Journey 