I apologize for not writing in more than a week. I looked back at August and September and the numbers are dramatically different. I guess I had a lot to say in August. September was busy with the wedding so I’m hoping October will allow me to get into a writing pattern so you can all know when to expect a blog. Thanks for reading! On a side note: where on Earth did September go?! I can’t believe it’s October!
I sent this picture to several friends tonight.
I don’t send pictures for people to tell me how good I look. Anyone who knows me, knows flattery doesn’t really do much for me. I can take a compliment, but I am not one to look for them. At. All. I know I look better now than I did and I share my photos so people can sort of see the transformation I have gone through. I don’t put them on Facebook for fear that people will get sick of all of my pictures of myself… so I will float the occasional one out there, on Instagam and on here. I will text specific people to share if I want to.
Tonight I received a response I haven’t received before and I wasn’t expecting, especially from the person who sent it. I’m not upset by it necessarily, but it isn’t sitting well with me. The response was, “Is that all you do these days? lol before and afters” Some of you may take this differently than I did, but with my intuition, I immediately knew the tone that was taken with this message. I also immediately felt defensive. My response was, “Only when I have a good after.” This person continued to tell me that they think I should phase out the before and focus on the after. I asked why and explained that I like to remember where I came from so I don’t get back to that point. This person sees weight loss differently than I do. They don’t think it’s good to keep looking back, where I think it’s great motivation to keep going. This person thinks I’m focusing on my past too much. I don’t see it that way at all. I take a lot of pride in my progress, more now than ever. If it was the difference of one size or 20 pounds, I can see how that may be “silly” to be looking at before and afters but 3-4 sizes down and almost 90 pounds is a HUGE difference and in my opinion it’s worth sharing and looking at.
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now with this person basically challenging me on how I see myself. They weren’t rude about it but it’s the principle of basically telling me how to view or not view myself. I don’t know if I’m offended or pissed off or what. I just know I’m not happy about it. I have known this person for several years and we are nothing more than friends. We talk about the basic day-to-day stuff. A lot about food, work, weekend plans. We don’t spend time together and I haven’t seen them since 2008. This person has been on their journey to weight loss for a while now. I told them I understood what they were saying.
They then sent a message that said “It’s been a long time since I actually liked pictures of myself.” I responded, “I know that feeling. I was dreading pics for Christine’s wedding because I’ve always hated seeing myself in pics or my reflection. I’m still surprised at what I see now.” The conversation was over. Now, after reading it back I can see how when I was 300+ pounds (this person isn’t that large, but overweight) that would have pissed me off. Like, shut up about it already.
It took me back to when I worked at Home Depot and I said something to a very large coworker and I was probably the size I am now. That coworker didn’t know that I was previously much larger than I was at that point. I think they thought I was just making a snarky comment about their weight. I have always felt bad about that and it was probably 8 or 9 years ago, I don’t remember what I said or how they responded, all I remember was where I was standing and the feeling I got from that person. I was trying to relate to my friend tonight, because I REALLY can relate to not being happy with pictures of yourself. This is another event I will probably remember in 9 more years. *insert foot in mouth*
It’s not my intent to make anyone feel bad about their weight. If what I say makes you mad, I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to “rub it in” or point it out. I wonder if this is what it feels like when new parents do nothing but talk about their stupid kids… I don’t talk about my weight loss all the time. Evidently it sneaks into conversations that make people uncomfortable. I can’t think that far ahead in my mind for what I’m about to say and think about who I’m saying it to and not say it, like, “…I’m still surprised at what I see…” My brain doesn’t recognize that as hurtful so if comes out of my mouth (or fingers). Then someone gets hurt or feels uncomfortable. This is why I feel like your friends change with weight loss. I experienced this before. Your best friends will be there no matter what, but I feel like the majority of people don’t know how to handle weight loss, especially if they struggle with their own weight. I know when I was larger I probably would have been insecure with a friend losing weight, constantly wishing I could lose weight too, envying them and if they constantly sent me freaking pictures of themselves I would encourage them and never say anything negative, but I know deep down inside I would feel bad about myself.
I have to remember this going forward.
Blaire's Journey 